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Top ten names for Ben
& Jerry's new PRESIDENTIAL ice cream:
1. Impeach-Mint
2. Big Banana Blast
3. Hyperactive Nuts
4. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
5. Pantstachio
6. Subpoena Colada
7. Peppermint Fattie
8. Captain Cream
9. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Cherry Swirl
10. Rocky Road Ahead
** PRESS
RELEASE **
ASSOCIATED PRESS - Monica
Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President
Clinton's address:
"Since my first days on the President's staff, people have
been talking about me. I have had enough. This whole experience
has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any
more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter
has come to a head and blown up in my face.
"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard,
that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the
past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the
only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than
this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say
that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the
job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow,
until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be
stained by it.
Thank You,
Monica Lewinsky
What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?
Spot remover.
What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
An intern with braces.
Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
The Spread Eagle
What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
Lays
What did Clinton say when Paula Jones went public with her
story?
NOW she decides to open her mouth
What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?
"Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the
door."
The most recent reports of the stain on Monica's dress have been
released.
This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy.
What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office"
Don't hit your head on the desk.
Hillary is planning to install the latest security device on
Bill's zipper.
It's called Blo-jack.
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his
customary request over the loudspeaker:
"Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to
the upright position and prepare to land?"
A reporter asked Clinton one day, "Was Monica lying?"
Clinton responded, "No, she was on her knees."
A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an
operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be
fine Miss Lewinsky" he said. She asked "How long will
it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again
doctor." The surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the
girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be alright won't
I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that
no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils
out."
What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer?
"Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the
Presidency!"
There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.
Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to
sell her story?
She said she will tell it Blow by Blow.
What's Monica going to title her memories?
"How to suckseed in the Oval Office without really
trying!"
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
To keep his ankles warm.
Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton?
Monica swallowed the evidence
Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks?
She's withholding evidence.
What's the difference between Clinton and a screw driver?
A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.
Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill?
Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face.
Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance.
"She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!"
Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup"
His nickname for Monica? "My little suctioncup"
What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common?
They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill"
here."
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy,
"I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come
again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."
Johnnie Cochran's top ten suggestions for David Kendall's
closing argument in "United States v. William Jefferson
Clinton":
10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess.
9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate.
8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit.
7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal.
6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore.
5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses.
4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life.
3. Bill can't tell the truth 'til he sees Ken Starr's proof.
2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy.
And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:
1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral.
Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Bill Clinton
was anything like his affair with Monica Lewinski.
She supposedly replied, "Close, but no cigar."
Similarities between Nixon and Clinton:
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
Nixon: His biggest fear - Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - Cold Sore
Nixon: Worried about Carpet Bombs
Clinton: Worried about Carpet Burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a Geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his briefcase
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: (No Difference)
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's the one"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's
the one"
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to
use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick.
Here are the 3 winners:
Entry #1:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry #2:
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry #3:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.
When Clinton and Mrs. Went on vacation, Clinton asked if he
could take his Saxaphone...
Hillary replies, "that's okay, so long as you don't take
your "whore-monica" (harmonica)!!!!
** E-MAIL
OBTAINED FROM THE FBI **
From: Federal Bureau of Investigation
To: Kenneth Starr, Special Prosecutor
Subject: The Blue Dress
Dear Mr. Starr,
The test on the blue dress you submitted came back
"inconclusive". Apparently everyone in Arkansas has
the same DNA.
Sorry,
The FBI
Subject: Monica Investigates Plastic Surgery Newswires reported
today that Monica Lewinsky recently went to a plastic surgeon.
Stung by all the jokes about being overweight, she was thinking
about having her love handles removed. However, she decided not
to go through with it after the doctor told her that removing
both ears would cause complete and total deafness.
** CONDOLENCES SENT TO PRESIDENT CLINTON **
Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your
predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my
heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust
might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in
this time of trial.
- Jimmy Carter
---------------------
Dear Bill:
OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a
fucking babe!
-Gary Hart
----------------------
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should
ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto
his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be
forgiven.
-Hugh Grant
----------------------
Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel
with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!
Bitches done set us up!
-Mayor Marion Berry
----------------------
Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing
Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports
show? I'm back on TV for the fall...have fun in jail taking it
up the ass.
- Marv Albert
----------------------
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment
bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure
you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex
isn't really sex. Warm personal regards, you prick.
-Newt
----------------------
Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her
regards and invites her to come on her show anytime. Some set of
tits on her, huh?
-Frank Gifford
----------------------
Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! HA HA! And
there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!
-Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas
---------------------
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten
himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway.
-Bob Dole
---------------------
Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you
to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome
to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as
long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the
lawn and you can have their room.
-Michael Jackson
---------------------
Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
-Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
---------------------
Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
-Jim Baker
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you
for a threesome sometime.
--------------------
Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on
tape. Big mistake. At least mine was tight.
With sympathy,
-Rob Lowe
--------------------
Dear Bill:
If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar
bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might
actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be
King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip..Diana
sure is! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't
have a sense of humor)
-HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
--------------------
Dear Mr. President:
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
-The editors, Cigar Aficionado magazine
PRESIDENT CLINTON'S TESTIMONY
AS IT WOULD BE TOLD BY DR. SEUSS
I DID NOT DO IT IN A CAR
I DID NOT DO IT IN A BAR
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE DARK
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE PARK
I DID NOT DO IT ON A DATE
I DID NOT EVER FORNICATE
I DID NOT DO IT AT A DANCE
I DID NOT DO IT IN HER PANTS
I DID NOT GET BEYOND FIRST BASE
I DID NOT DO IT IN HER FACE
I NEVER DID IT IN A BED
IF YOU THINK THAT, YOU'VE BEEN MISLED
I DID NOT DO IT WITH A GROAN
I DID NOT DO IT ON THE PHONE
I DID NOT CAUSE HER DRESS TO STAIN
I NEVER BOINKED SUDDAM HUSSEIN
I DID NOT DO IT WITH A WHIP
I NEVER FONDLED LINDA TRIPP
I NEVER ACTED REALLY SILLY
WITH VOLUNTEERS LIKE KATHLEEN WILLEY
THERE WAS ONE TIME, WITH MARGARET THATCHER
I CHASED HER 'ROUND, BUT COULD NOT CATCH HER
NO KINKY STUFF, NOT ON YOUR LIFE
I WOULDN'T EVEN WITH MY WIFE
AND GENNIFER FLOWERS' TALE OF WOES
WAS PAID FOR BY MY RIGHT-WING FOES
AND PAULA JONES, AND THOSE STATE TROOPERS
ARE JUST A BUNCH OF PARTY POOPERS
I DID NOT ASK MY FRIENDS TO LIE
I DID NOT HANG THEM OUT TO DRY
I DID NOT DO IT LAST NOVEMBER
BUT IF I DID, I DON'T REMEMBER
I DID NOT DO IT IN THE HALL
I COULD HAVE, BUT I DON'T RECALL
I NEVER DID IT IN MY STUDY
I NEVER DID IT WITH MY DOG, BUDDY
I NEVER DID IT TO SOX, THE CAT
I MIGHT HAVE ONCE WITH ARAFAT
I NEVER DID IT IN A HURRY
I NEVER GROPED MS. BETTY CURRIE
THERE WAS NO SEX AT ARLINGTON
THERE WAS NO SEX ON AIR FORCE ONE
I MIGHT HAVE COPPED A LITTLE FEEL
AND THEN ENDEAVORED TO CONCEAL
BUT NEVER DID THESE THINGS SO LEWD
AT LEAST, NOT EVER IN THE NUDE
THESE THINGS TO WHICH I HAVE CONFESSED
THEY DO NOT COUNT, IF WE STAYED DRESSED
IT NEVER HAPPENED WITH CIGAR
I NEVER DATED MRS. STARR
I DID NOT KNOW THIS LITTLE SIN
WOULD BE RETOLD ON CNN
I BROKE SOME RULES MY MAMA TAUGHT ME
I TRIED TO HIDE, BUT NOW YOU'VE CAUGHT ME
BUT I IMPLORE, I DO BESEECH
DO NOT CONDEMN, DO NOT IMPEACH
I MIGHT HAVE TOLD A LITTLE TAIL
BUT NEVER, NEVER DID INHALE
Unless otherwise specified, the authors of the jokes are
unknown. Jokes obtained from forwarded e-mails.
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